July 2011
1 post
4 tags
"angry"
this year, i have been angry. mostly at everything.
from the way someone walks in front of me to something at work not going the right way, everything that can remotely be controlled that goes wrong is off the infuriating scale.
mainly, honestly, i’m pissed off that some people are alive, & those people are not you. that some people get to live — like that scum from norway, like...
November 2010
1 post
framed
the first picture i put up in my new flat — a studio, just mine — was of you and me at a swim meet. i don’t know how old are are, but we are cheering, smiling, hugging.
July 2010
1 post
5 tags
'the unreal'
jess —
it has been two years since you died.
on friday, i was walking to the bus stop, passing people drinking & laughing & having a good time after work, before the weekend. i was thinking how easy it is for normal people to do normal things, how some things & some days will not ever be normal for mom, dad & me. i was on the bus home from a night out with friends, thinking...
May 2010
1 post
4 tags
"run"
dear jess —
today, i did something that i never thought i wanted to or even could dream of doing (not that it would have been a dream, per se). let’s start back a bit.
when i moved back to london in march, i was unemployed for a while. from march to june, i did bits of freelancing, but i mostly sat on the couch looking at job postings & moaning about money. when i finally got...
March 2010
7 posts
4 tags
"wave"
walking past the old folks’ home today & they had the curtains open & they were looking out on the traffic & the people on the pavement & a man waved in front of me & i turned to look & one woman was turned around & wide eyed & holding her cane with one hand against the arm of the chair & holding another woman’s hand & i thought that’s...
3 tags
"come back"
i simply cannot believe that you won’t, that you can’t come back.
"latysha"
note from a schoolmate for the girl who died in a crosswalk near my house: ‘have a good time. rest in peace.’
'return'
tomorrow, it’ll be a year to the day that i moved back to london after being home after jess died, and i start a job at the company i loved and left to be home. it’s weird how this has happened.
i have been thinking about myself last year. i was so nervous & so happy, anxious & full of anticipation. kate and nick picked me up at the airport & the sun was shining. we had...
6 tags
"mirror"
november 2009:
I have circles in under my eyes, darkest in the corners near my nose. My cheeks are flushed and while there are still marks or scars on either side below my mouth, my chin is looking clearer and smoother. My hair is curled like when I get out of the shower and don’t dry it properly, but it’s not out of control. Most of my hair is wavy going on straight. My eyebrows are somewhat...
4 tags
4 tags
"terror"
i dreamt about you for the first time in a really long time. i can’t remember the last time i did.
mom & dad came to london to visit. cathy & peter were in brighton & i magically moved very easily between the two cities. we spent a lot of time trying to figure out where the hotels were & how to get from mom & dad to cathy & peter.
we were in the room, finally, which...
February 2010
4 posts
4 tags
discount.
sometimes i read something that is asking you to be actively engaging we haven’t seen you in a while come back for a 10% discount commented on a photo of you join this group & i just think what is this what is this what is this
brick.
i was lying in bed on sunday for hours, wide awake & petrified because of how many times i caught myself close to suffocating because i was holding my breath. i was trying to breathe through it, let the breath solve itself by swirling around inside the tightness constricting my lungs, to clean out the clog. sitting up, i wondered if i could call someone. please help me, i have a brick twisting...
3 tags
seeing.
there was an accident outside work today. i was upstairs, but i didn’t hear it. i could hear the helicopter, though. someone said, it’s just a chinook.
i couldn’t see, initially because i wasn’t looking, but then because i couldn’t see.
bathtub.
do i have to show people my baby pictures?
January 2010
1 post
4 tags
shards.
there’s a significant difference between the feeling of shards of broken heart under my ribs & feeling that it’s being crushed & constricted beneath my lungs.
i force myself into situations where i’ll think of you as you are now, stamping through local cemeteries where most people have simply fallen asleep, plots of muddy & slumped flowers weighted by ice. i’m...
August 2009
1 post
5 tags
"lost"
once i was in hackney & i woke up on someone’s floor in the dark & i stumbled out on to the street with my contacts sticking to my eyelids & change spilling out of my jeans. i called you because i was lost & i didn’t know where i was. i woke you up. you tried to understand what i was saying, your voice getting worried & i said i was fine, i am fine, go back to...
July 2009
1 post
5 tags
"year"
what makes this day any different? someone asked me recently what i would do on a ‘miracle day’, a day where anything is possible and you can do anything you want. you can go to a far away place, you can buy something you want, you could even fly. from the moment you wake up, everything would go right. the scenario, no matter how hypothetical, was ridiculous. i’d want to see my...
June 2009
1 post
3 tags
"banner"
i’ve been so busy, but not so busy until this week when i stopped thinking as much. well, stopped thinking as much about certain things & then started thinking about current things. i was thinking & focusing & following along & then out of nowhere, your name popped up in front of my face. on the screen. it flashed on a black background; the letters were orange. it said,...
March 2009
3 posts
6 tags
"directions"
you are giving me directions around mason. you’re blurry in the way that you are in dreams; sometimes i can tell how curly & short your hair is, sometimes i can see your face so clearly, but only in spurts. we’re just standing on a street corner & you’re pointing out streets & waving a finger in the air to mark an imaginary compass. i think i say, “do you know...
2 tags
"ec4"
we’re on the bus & i’m looking out the window. the streets are passing & we’re through aldwych rumbling down fleet street & there’s the spot where we jumped in the cab, four of us, leaving her on the street to wait, even though it was her party, her night. there’s the spot where we were tripping over the curbs, where i didn’t know yet. there, just...
1 tag
"better"
i made a point of asking after the betty crocker cookbooks that mom gave you one christmas. i know they’re in the house somewhere, but i didn’t take them back to england with me. i was walking through the hospital today thinking about them. why did i want them? did i forget to take them with me or did i just not care? if i didn’t care, then what was the point of asking for them...
February 2009
1 post
6 tags
"dream #4"
we are on vacation & i go to the store with an old friend. on the way back, down belleflower (switch), we lose the breaks so i scream while he stays calm. we park horizontally against the curb.
inside, i am taking groceries out of their bags and dad is there with a tupperwear tub full of croissants. i finish the groceries & start pouring pepsi into a glass with melted ice. do you want a...
January 2009
4 posts
"post-it"
my dad once told me a story about a woman who had a stroke & could not remember things in the short term. she devised a system: if she had a thought, she’d immediately write it down on a post-it note from a pad she kept with her. then she would forget, but she would know how to remember again.
my memory was never as good as yours. also, there are things that i have tried very...
"dark"
sometimes i try to see in the dark. when i got back from england, i tried to maneuver around my room without lights, even without opening my eyes. i kicked my suitcase each time.
if i can train myself to memorize the layout of my teenage room, if i can lie in this bed & feel for the lightswitch on the first try, then i can close my eyes & remember your face, the curves of your fingers,...
"dream"
i can count on my hand the number of times i’ve dreamt of you. only one was repeatable. i was standing in the kitchen — or sitting in the TV room, which i don’t remember, but i could hear you walk through the door. the dogs must’ve seen your headlights flash through the windows & they went to the dining room to look out on to the driveway. you opened the door & they...
"new"
jess —
i met someone new. i went back to england — first to katie’s, then to london for a bit, where i stayed on p’s couch. i was prepared to spend one night alone in the flat, but his flatmate came home. he put the kettle on.
six hour or so later, with bags of tea littering the sink, i’d met my first new, safe person.
in alison smith’s memoir, she talks...
December 2008
7 posts
"things"
Things I would like to tell you #33: Did you know eyebrow waxing is only $10 now? Wasn’t it at least $15 before? I was shocked when she told me. I also probably looked shocked. Remember how red you’d get? We’d sit in the car & smooth lotion on our eyebrows with a kleenex. You’d like this green tea lotion. I used a paper towel in the library, but it’s very light...
“When he died, there were all these nonsensical stories coming out about Heath...”
– Terry Gilliam remembers Heath Ledger
“I would have spent my life wondering about the function of memory, which is not...”
– (via cities)
November 2008
23 posts
"contact"
I should also say that if you would like to contact me with any memory or whathaveyou — anything at all about Jess Doubleday — then please do so at shhhess AT gmail DOT com.
LLL, shhh.
"four"
it’s been four months today.
days like this, you push your tongue all the way back into the back of your mouth, against the roof like a dam, because you are trying not to swallow because if you do, the mechanism that connects pain to throat-closing, swallow-inducing crying will trip and your eye cups will spill.
today i spent not showering but going to the grocery store & typing up...
"invincible"
You would be surprised how long the cloak of invincibility lasts. I had been hit by a motorcycle and walked away. I was 27 and still felt invincible. I guess invincible changed a little bit: it went from I will never die to There is the possibility that anything can happen to me, but I will survive it. Jess’s first car accident made her feel less invincible, but it wasn’t her fault and she was a...
"stories"
What stories did we tell? How about the one where I pushed Jess down the stairs (untrue)? Or the one about her breaking my nose with a jump rope? Or we could’ve told the one about Dad getting a nail in his foot at the Bluecurl house and or when he fell out of the tree? Remember the time at Yorkshire Drive when I caught the mouse with a box and we let him back outside? Then there was Jess...
"normalcy"
the days keep happening. some days require more effort; some require a lot more. sometimes i lose myself for a second and forget the day. sometimes i forget that i have to be ever watchful for the day that takes over. those are days when my eyelids turn to cups and my brain slides down through my throat to gnaw on my heart.
so i slow down. i take a broom from the porch, put on the outside shoes...
"dance"
It was in the Bistro, where I’d never eaten or drank, but it was across from the radio station, so I’d been there, but I was still nervous. I didn’t know anyone and I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. Jess said it’d be fun, so we went. There was food and Jenny and Matt Bruno were there, dressed up for the New Century College awards dinner. After some speeches, they turned on the music and Jess went...
"sleeplaugh"
We shared a room on vacations. Sometimes we shared a bed, but in Myrtle Beach at same-name-no-relation’s place, we got separate beds in the same room. Jess always wanted to stay up and play and talk and ask me questions about the universe or Mom and Dad or the sand or the next day. It annoyed me, so I told her I was going to sleep. She would wait a couple minutes, get out of bed and come over and...
"fridge"
Up until a certain age, Jess said “fer-ridger-ator” instead of “refridgerator”. So we would put the juice back into the ferridgerator so it could be ferridgerated. She also couldn’t say my name, so I was “sissy”.
"phantom"
An ex-boyfriend said once that my absence in his life was like having a phantom limb. That I was still there, attached to him and moving along with his life plans for us. I think I know what he means when my fingers ache to rest on your shoulder or comb through your hair. My arms stretch out in the night to hug you and instead a squeeze your Milky Way bear tighter into my chest. My throat closes...
"split"
Ghost, ghost, I know you live within me I feel you as you fly In thunderclouds above the city Into one that I love With all that was left within me Until we tore in two Now wings and rings and there’s so many Waiting here for you And she was born in a bottle rocket, 1929 With rings that wringed right around a socket Right between her spine All drenched in milk, in holy water ...
"trumpeter"
Jess could scream louder than anyone, from babies to announcers. She and I would cheer at the swim meets and the only voice we could ever hear besides ours was Dad’s. We could even hear him underwater. It made sense that Jess played the trumpet. Loud, brash and heard over everyone, it was a match and although she didn’t bother practicing much, she didn’t really care so long as she could be heard....
"breaststroke"
Jess swam breaststroke. She didn’t swim anything else and only under penalty of not being able to swim in the meet. She was barely six when she started, bucktoothed and skinny. During a Daventry Dolphins meet, someone had gone away on vacation and the coach needed someone to swim in the relay. Jess can do it, someone said. She grabbed her cap and pink goggles and strode to the end of the pool. She...
"five"
The Five Stages of Grief
The night I lost you someone pointed me towards the Five Stages of Grief Go that way, they said, it’s easy, like learning to climb stairs after the amputation. And so I climbed. Denial was first. I sat down at breakfast carefully setting the table for two. I passed you the toast—- you sat there. I passed you the paper—-you hid behind it....
"matches"
What is the meaning of life? … The great revelation … never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark.
-Virginia Woolf
"hate"
What is hate to you? Is it based on prejudice or deep-seeded family ideals? Is it specific? Do you hate the person driving in front of you but think the guy on the home team is alright? Does it stem from anger? Do you hate someone for what he’s done to you or to someone you love? Do you hate someone for never being responsible, for taking advantage, for selfishness? Do you hate him for not loving?...