‘return’
tomorrow, it’ll be a year to the day that i moved back to london after being home after jess died, and i start a job at the company i loved and left to be home. it’s weird how this has happened.
i have been thinking about myself last year. i was so nervous & so happy, anxious & full of anticipation. kate and nick picked me up at the airport & the sun was shining. we had breakfast in the front room, & i was happy & knew i made the right decision. i was thinking the other day that i missed my last year self, but i have changed so much in the last year. it’s been so hard, & i’ve done so many hard things & made so many tough choices & stuck to some of them, but not all. i’ve missed my mom and dad, ashley, alex, everyone.
i’ve met so many after people, despite feeling i could never be close to anyone who didn’t know her.
i’ve started doing more things to make myself better in myself, as my self. sometimes i think i relied on jess to show me my better self. even though i’m still so unsure & anxious about my decisions, i am trying so hard to figure out who i am as me, as the after me. i wear makeup & heels & dresses without wanting to be sick. i run almost every day & am doing a 10K to raise money for a diabetes foundation at the end of may. i am friends with more girls than boys. i don’t have a boyfriend so i can learn to take care of myself.
i get scared sometimes, wondering if she would still recognise me, if she would think i looked ridiculous, but i’m sure she would just tell me i missed the back of my hair with the straighteners, sit me down & show me how to do it myself.
