“angry”
this year, i have been angry. mostly at everything.
from the way someone walks in front of me to something at work not going the right way, everything that can remotely be controlled that goes wrong is off the infuriating scale.
mainly, honestly, i’m pissed off that some people are alive, & those people are not you. that some people get to live — like that scum from norway, like glenn beck or sarah palin, like people who really do absolutely nothing to make this world better & are just mean — & you didn’t.
i’m angry every time someone refers to a brother or a sister. if it’s a disparaging comment, it’s worse. if it’s a comment on how close they are, triple it. on the flipside, i’m still sad. i’m sad in my new flat that you’ll never see in a neighbourhood you’ve never been to. i’m sad holding babies who don’t expect presents from me on holidays or birthdays. i really don’t want to go to any more weddings without you.
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i recently went swimming in a huge pool. i pushed myself underwater & held my breath for as long as i could. we’d do that during swim drills to see who could do a 50 without breathing. we’d count down on the side of daventry pool to see who could hold their breath the longest. we spent a lot of summers underwater. i watched kids in my urban pool cannonball into the water in front of me, while other swimmers pushed & kicked water away. it seemed so clear underwater, the bubbles, the flailing hands. upon surfacing, i had to blink a lot to see the world again.
i like triathlons now, but sometimes, when i’m in the water, i get scared that something’s going to come up from the bottom & bite me. it’s because i can’t see the bottom. there are no black, T-lines to follow, no rope to hang on to, no edge. i don’t know what’s down there. open water swimming becomes this strange combination of that thing we loved to do as kids & fear fear fear.
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i took a long trip home. it was another strange combination of enjoying being with mom & dad while wondering whether we were just playing happy family. maybe this is what it’s like: last year was unreal, this year was/is angry, & nothing will ever feel normal.
i love you. i miss you differently than i did before, but you not being here makes me so angry.
